If you saw my Guardians of the Galaxy
hummer review from the weekend, you’ll know what a geek I really am. When I was a kid in the early 90s, way before comics were cool, I was not only devouring things like the Infinity Gauntlet (seriously, when all you jerks swoon over the Infinity Gauntlet movie in 2017 or whatever, just remember, I saw her first…like 20 years before you) and Toy Biz action figures, I was balls deep in Marvel trading cards. The first series of X-Men cards (all drawn by Jim Lee if I’m not mistaken) were freaking beautiful. BEAUTIFUL. The third series of Marvel Universe cards were unbelievable. (The backgrounds look exactly like my Pigs in Space background.)
And before that, Series Two is where I gained my first glut of comic book knowledge. I fell so in love with those cards that I went out and made my own. I only remember this because I found those Marvel cards last week, and one lone example of a shitty trading card I made about a superhero named….Hardtop.
Hardtop’s head is metal, so he smashes into things, and his onesie is pink…because…you…won’t expect…a guy…in…uh…ink… to ram and destroy things…with his head…or something. I’d like to say that over 20 years of time have faded his red uniform to look pink, but no, right there over his heart is some sort of American flag logo, signifying Hardtop’s team affiliations, and the stripes are clearly red.
The back of this home-mading card (it’s loose leaf glued to cardboard) is a direct rip-off of the Marvel cards, with Hardtop’s strength and intelligence valued at four (of eight). His agility is only a three, and his speed is a beat two, so in all, Hardtop is a weakass.
I had so many other characters, like Ultra, who was half Rambo, half Cable, but those cards probably have not survived the test of time. Which makes this an ultra rare prototype. Let the bidding begin at one billion dollars.