1993 Royal Rumble

Steiner Brothers vs Beverly Brothers: Who cares?

“The University of Michigan’s really proud of the Steiners.” – Gorilla Monsoon

Would Sensational/Scary Sherri be hot if she were in 2013? That question counts if she aged 20 years, or just froze in time and had a more current look at the same age.

“Shawn Michaels, the wrestler of the 90s, Brain.” – Monsoon (Good call, Gorilla.)

This Michaels/Jannetty match isn’t great. We see an early version of Sweet Chin Music, Michaels’ superkick finisher, which isn’t sweet, super or a finisher in this match.

Jannetty is dressed like an absolute clown. Who got caught in a paper shredder.Marty JannettyThe highlight of an otherwise forgettable Big Bossman vs Bam Bam Bigelow match was this exchange between the greatest announce team in wrestling history.
GORILLA: “You made some derogatory statements about (Big Boss Man’s) mother, too.”
BOBBY: “Big deal. Her goatee’s a little bit thicker than his.”

The Bret Hart title defence against Razor Ramon wasn’t bad, but “Marc Anthony and Cleopatra” making some proclamation about WrestleMania IX in Caesar’s Palace was a sign of the shit that was to come in the Spring…

Bobby Heenan’s unveiling of his newest client, “The Narcissist” Lex Luger was THIS CLOSE to turning into the first fellatio live on WWF TV.

Ric Flair and Bob Backlund start off the Rumble. Is this a 70s nerd’s dream scenario? Why are they both wearing red trunks? They look like the Brain Busters.How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?This Rumble was pretty much jobber central. At the time, maybe it felt like there some real threats to win the whole thing (Mr. Perfect? Tatanka?), but Flair at #1 was unrealistic, especially since he won at #3 the previous year. Ted DiBiase, Tito Santana and Rick Martel were all on their last legs. Skinner, Max Moon, Tenryu, Damian Demento, Terry Taylor, Carlos Colon and the tag teams were all fillers. The Undertaker was eliminated after 4 minutes courtesy of the debuting Giant Gonzalez. That left Randy Savage and Yokozuna.

To hell with the critics. I loved that Gonzalez debuted here and cost the Undertaker a chance at winning the match. Gonzalez sucked as a wrestler, but this character was the right way to go.Giant GonzalezEarthquake goes after his tag team partner Typhoon in the early going. Simpsons did it. Another brainless move here. If I’m in a tag team that weighs over 800 cumulative pounds, I’m teaming up with my partner to eliminate everyone else one by one, and then we duke it out when we’re the last men standing.

How does Jerry Sags outlast Tatanka by over four minutes in this match? Terrible job booking the undefeated Native American, still one of my all-time favorite wrestlers. He never got a fair shake.Tatanka and YokozunaWRESTLING TRIVIA: Tatanka’s real name is Chris Chavis, which was revealed when his vignettes first aired. Part of his promo was to choose a warrior name. “Tatanka” means “bull buffalo” in Lakota. It’s also a Polish drink made of bison grass vodka and apple juice.

Bob Backlund is the 1993 Iron Man, lasting over an hour from the #2 spot.

The #2 spot in the Royal Rumble is a worse number to draw than #1, and it has NEVER BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED as such on WWF/E TV. The first guy in the ring can pummel the hell out of the second as he’s entering.

The finish to this Rumble – Randy Savage being tossed from the ring by Yokozuna kicking out of a pin – is a fittingly terrible way to end this show. Pins do not count in the Royal Rumble. Savage should have known that.

"Pinfalls don't count!" – Gorilla Monsoon
“Pinfalls don’t count!” – Gorilla Monsoon

FINAL RATING:Netflix: 2 Stars


6 thoughts on “1993 Royal Rumble

  1. 1993 was pretty much it for me and the WWF, the old stars were going out and being replaced by boring jerkoffs like Bret Hart. That Marty Jannetty costume must have been designed by the same lunatic who designed Max Moon’s costume. And I love The Brain like a grandfather, but that was a little much. Especially since Lex Luger didn’t seem as muscular as Rick Rude.

    1. I still consider myself a Bret Hart mark, but going back and re-watching these old RAWs and this Rumble are showing The Hitman in a new, very dull and grey light. It’s a little depressing, truth be told.

  2. I remember losing my mind as a youngster when the Giant Gonzalez debuted. I was so young I didn’t even realise he could barely even move let alone wrestle. But he was the only man on earth bigger than the Undertaker!

    1. Right?!?!!? I took me a couple viewings before I realized those weren’t his muscles. I was also deathly afraid of Nailz, the ex-con who stalked and beat the hell out of the Big Boss Man.

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