Let’s face it. Sam the Eagle sucks. He’s a wet blanket on The Muppet Show and in every cameo appearance he has ever made. I’d say that he is, arguably, the least valuable Muppet in the entire pantheon spring forth from almighty Henson’s head.
Here’s a short list of other worthless Muppets:
Lips: WHO? Exactly. He was added to Electric Mayhem as their trumpet guy in The Muppet Show‘s fifth and final season. In his defense, he has a very cool look to be painted. But aside from being TV wallpaper, Lips is the shits.
Beauregard: Aardvark? Badger? Deformed bear? Anthropomorphic pile of dirt? These are all questions I ask myself when I pondering what this dopey janitor is supposed to be. Ironically, those are also questions I ask myself when I see some of these shady cab drivers around town, which is what Bo played in The Great Muppet Caper, his most prominent role in Muppet lore, so at least he’s well-designed.
Clifford: I love this guy for his flamboyant colors, but nothing symbolizes the Muppets’ contribution to nineties-itis (when everything had to be in your face and extreme) more than this Rastafarian host of Muppets Tonight. Clifford’s personality was actually really laid back and matched the stereotype his hair projected, but everything about him felt like we were being force-fed a shiny new Muppet for the sake of him being shiny and new. He was once rumored to be a catfish, but has been since established as a humanoid, a la Scooter. So he’s basically a black guy with big lips. Sticking wit the catfish story sounds much less racist. Once Muppets Tonight ended its run, so did Cliff.
Lew Zealand: I actually love this guy. And really, what’s not to love? He throws fish. ahem… HE THROWS…FISH! There are bland, generic wrestlers in today’s WWE that would KILL for a gimmick like that. Capitalize on that, Disney master overlords!
Miss Piggy: Her relationship with Kermit is what puts her on this list for me. Where he’s a sweet tea in rural Georgia on Sunday morning, she is a 300 degree cup of black coffee on the hottest July Midtown Manhattan rush hour ever. Kermit’s a well-mannered, good guy, and she’s an obnoxious prima donna. When I was a kid, their wedding at the end of The Muppet Movie ruined the entire film for me. Now that I think about it, their size differential and relationship dynamic should land them on an episode of Jerry Springer. (Can you believe that garbage is still on the air? IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT WAS 15 YEARS AGO!) Disney should make a nice frog girl or salamander chick for Kermit to settle down with, and let Piggy hook up with Link Hogthrob, who then blasts her out into space, like the final scene in Alien.
Walter: I really enjoyed The Muppets. One of only a handful of movies that pulls off song and dance numbers that don’t tickle my fast-forward trigger finger. But this Walter is less distinguishable than most Muppet extras (those extras are called Anything Muppets) and he’s basically a more saccharine Kermit the Frog. Every hates perky people. …Well… at least I do.