REVIEW: Prometheus


My review is brief: Prometheus is gripping, grotesque and downright scary. If you like interstellar suspense, gnarly contagion and terrific special effects, go see it.

The rest of my musings are a SPOILER-CENTRIC collection of random thoughts.

1. Can you believe I’ve never seen Alien? Or ANY Alien movie? Now, I must.

2. Never trust a robot. This is something I knew years ago when I was electrocuted by my grandmother’s toaster oven. But the character of David (brilliantly played by Michael Fassbender) is eerie and coldly calculating enough to be considered evil, despite a lack of human characteristics.

3. Fassbender starts off as the caretaker of the Prometheus, and later becomes an antagonist of Noomi Rapace’s Dr. Elizabeth Shaw. This is the second movie Fassbender opposed a character named Shaw. (He’s Magneto in X-Men: First Class.) I’m looking forward to his role as a veteran fighting Shaw’s supermarkets in order to sell his little army pins outside the store.

4. Dr. Shaw is badass. She gives herself a C-section when she is infected/impregnated with this octopus thing. I challenge cinema to present me a grosser image in 2012.

5. In a moment only like-minded crazy people would find humorous, said squid-baby/monster saves its mommy’s life.

6. Why on earth would you touch ANYTHING on a foreign planet? Oh. Because you’re a scientist. For people who are supposed to be so smart, don’t they know that curiosity killed the cat?

6b. The premise that a superior race would want to reason with the lesser species it created is preposterous. My FIRST thought is that an alien would want to kill me, yet these geniuses think their makers want to sit down for scones and tea? YOU’RE SO STUPID!

7. I didn’t understand the implications of the opening scene. Little help?

8. Fortunately, all the events in this thriller take place between 2089-2094, so I’ll be dead when they happen.

9. Mr. Weyland, the man who, in-story, is indirectly responsible for the aliens we’ve come to know and love, looks like the old Biff from Back to the Future II, cross-pollinated with a wrinkled baked potato.

10. My heart is racing again as I recount what I witnessed over the course of two hours this morning.

11. Idris Elba, predictably, is a tough sonofabitch.

12. Charlize Theron is a cowardly, self-serving bitch, basically played the same role three different ways in Young Adult, Snow White and the Huntsman, and now Prometheus. Well done, lady.

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